on spontaneous prayer circles in the office

I work at a church, so it's normal to pray around the office. It's not even abnormal to be walking through the hallways and see someone laying hands on a coworker in the middle of a highly trafficked doorway. This time, however, they may have crossed the line.

It was a regular morning, and I had been drinking lots of coffee and water as I do to keep myself alert in the wee hours of work. I needed to use the restroom so I walked over, pushed on the door, and felt it hit something. I pushed again, and standing there right inside the entrance to the women's bathroom was a spontaneous prayer circle with women praying and crying. My mind instantly raced with thoughts about how I was going to proceed and if it was rude for me to interrupt and ask them to move over a little so I could get around.

Fortunately, one of them glanced up and saw me so she moved over just enough for me to squeeze by. But now what about the issue of the actual business that I went in there for? Do I wait? What am I supposed to do?

I realized there was another woman in the stall next to me, pondering the same quandary. We had a silent moment of solidarity when we both decided to go for it. After all, the prayer circle picked the location.

I don't recall what the women were praying about, but maybe the sound of rushing water was a metaphor for the power of God rushing into their lives. At least, that's the only explanation I can think of.

on turning 30

On February 10, 2015, I turned 30. I have been anticipating this for quite some time, but I don't think you can fully prepare for what it does to you mentally. For weeks leading up to my birthday this year everyone asked me, "How are you feeling about turning 30?" and, "Are you ready to be in your 30s?" I would usually answer "nothing" or "I haven't really had much time to think about it." Then suddenly it's here and there's something that feels incredibly big about it.

Your 20-something friends tell you it's not that big of a deal and nothing has changed. Your 30-something friends welcome you to the club. And then you get inexplicably emotional over watching a clip from a Disney movie from your childhood. Not even a sad clip!

I did a good job with my 20's. I had dreams and made plans to fulfill those dreams. I moved across the country and across the world and back. I got a few jobs, and I got laid off from one of those jobs, but I figured it out. I got a bachelor's degree and a masters degree, I got married, and I adopted 2 cats. I saw more of the world in a year than most people see in their lifetimes. I took some risks and not all of them worked out, but some of them did.

My 30-something friends have told me that for the first time in their lives they feel like they're secure. They've got savings and steady jobs and marriage and kids. No more tumultuous breakups and living paycheck to paycheck. I am excited about this prospect, because I like stability. But I also feel the pressure to keep up the paths that most 30-somethings follow: buy a house in a quiet neighborhood, have kids, and find my career. It's not that I don't want these things, it's just that I feel like I have to get some stuff out of my system first.

When I moved to Amsterdam in 2009, I quit my job but still had a year before starting grad school. I took that year off to live abroad and travel. In my mind I would move back in a year, get my master's degree, and settle into my career. I had a year to have my last hurrah, then I'd get serious about my "responsible" life path. But that's not really how my life has worked. Most of the time my adventures have just fueled my desire to do and see even more.

Past experience has shown that if I "wait to get it out of my system" then I will never do it. Maybe instead of putting to rest the old and begrudgingly accepting the new, I can live a life where stability and adventure are not mutually exclusive. A life filled with new experiences doesn't have to end because I find a job I like or because I pass a milestone age.

So, here we go, 30's! Let's make it great, and could you turn that music down a little? Because I'm trying to have a nice quiet evening at home.

On Noticing

Lately when I sit down to write, the words aren't coming like they used to. I distract myself from writing by realizing I need to research our trip to Scandinavia/clean the house/pet the cats/check the bank account/stare mindlessly at the same 3 events that keep popping up on my Facebook timeline/etc.

There was a time in my life where stories flowed out of me, to the point where my college roommate made fun of me that my favorite line was, "Okay so, let me tell you what happened to me today..." I recently saw that former roommate, and she and her husband were telling me about this weird YouTube video of a bride singing herself down the aisle. When they opened it up to show it to me, they commented, "I'm surprised you weren't there for this. You seem to be there for all the crazy things that happen in the world."

As I get older and life gets more complicated, I notice less. The things I notice, I view mostly as ordinary. I came across this quote the other day:

"Sometimes I think the people to feel the saddest for are people who are unable to connect with the profound--people such as my boring brother-in-law, a hearty type so concerned with normality and fitting in that he eliminates any possibility of uniqueness for himself and his own personality. I wonder if someday, when he is older, he will wake up and the deeper part of him will realize that he has never allowed himself to truly exist, and he will cry with regret and shame and grief.  

And then sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder--people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world--or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness."-Douglas Coupland, Life After God

I don't want to be either of those people. I want to wonder and wrestle with things and notice.

--

Getting back into this writing thing feels like I'm starting to run again for the first time in awhile. I feel pretty good about the first run because it's easy, there isn't much pressure to perform, and I start out slow. Once I hit the second run, however, I start feeling like I should be better than this already because I used to be pretty good at it without much effort. New routes should be clear, and I shouldn't get winded after 5 minutes. Much to my disdain, my face turns red with out-of-breathness, and my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest. It's a little messy to witness.

As you witness the resurgence of my love for telling stories, please bear with me through this messy, hope-the-neighbor-didn't-see-me-walk-phase. It's hard to get into the routine, but much like exercise, overall I am a better person for it. 

January White

If nothing else, we're given a little time
To change the game, a chance to redefine
Everything we are,
In our January white. - Sleeping at Last

The last few months, TJ and I have talked a lot about goals. Where do we want to be, who do we want to be, and how do we want to get there. During our first year of marriage, most of our lives were functional. We figured out routines, how to share a budget, how to live together in a healthy way. Once the fall of 2014 hit, it felt like our routines had become just that: routine. We had our daily lives nailed down, but to what end? What were we working toward?

We had some lofty talks about who we want to be and how that's going to be accomplished. And then we had trips to take and obligations to uphold and the holidays and the freelance gigs, and our ideas suddenly fell by the wayside.

But January. January is this universally recognized cleansing month where we can change all of that. After the dust settles from the craziness of the holidays, we can take a deep breath and revisit those ideas of who we want to be and how we want to get there.

The theme of this year at our church is to "do less, better" and I've decided to take that on in my personal life as well. I want to be more intentional with my time. I want to stare less at my computer. I want to be healthy. I want to be generous. I want to write more.

So let's get going on that.